I’ve had a series of starts and stops with online blogs over the last 10 years. Each time I would start excited but it wouldn’t be long until I began to feel apprehensive and doubt that I had anything to offer the internet. Ultimately, I would abandon many of my (internet) projects because I convinced myself that those things had no value to others. In the instances where I felt really good about the ideas, they were interesting and unique enough, I soon became worried that others would criticize or ostracize them, call me stupid, a poor writer or one of the other 100 things I was insecure about.
However, each time my vision would get a little clearer. I would find my voice a little better and my perseverance would be a little stronger. Starting something new has rarely been a problem for me. The excitement surrounding the new idea or project often propels me forward but what becomes my failing is my own criticism and fear. The flame of excitement can easily be extinguished by our own thoughts. It took me a long time to learn how to calm that negative voice in my head.
How will this blog be different? I’m not sure yet. I just know that for the first time I am more myself rather than pretending to be what I think others want me to be. Maybe that is the elusive confidence women report to find in their 30’s or maybe I know and trust myself more than I had done each of those other times. Maybe my desired to do something is stronger or maybe my expectations are a little different. The reason doesn’t really matter– I’m just happy to be doing it.
I simultaneously feel no pressure and lots of pressure. The caliber of content being created in the home blog space is high. Without any formal training, I’m only going by instincts. I also don’t have a huge budget. So in many ways, I make the best of situations instead of just throwing money at the problems. Due to this, I worry I will not be able to compete with someone with deeper pockets, more sponsorships, and more experience. However, it pushes me to want to be better and create excellent content. It makes me study all my photographs to make sure they feel professional. It makes me curate what I put on the website more than I may have in the past. However, I also feel that this is just for me. It’s for me to have fun and be creative, something I don’t get to do at my day job. It’s a way to think about things I care about and chronicle different parts of my life. When I put it in that context, it makes me feel free to just do what I want with little pressure.
Never the less, I love the fresh start of a new beginning. It reminds me of college freshman so full of hope, ambition, and dreams. Dreams that haven’t been chipped away by setbacks, negativity, and bad luck. Their dreams and ambitions are pure, fresh and invigorating. Yes, that is how many beginnings start and I’m glad to say that’s how this feels for me too.